Why Bowser from Super Mario isn't really a Villain

So, I've been playing a significant amount of my room-mates' Wii the past few days and, after finishing the original Super Mario Galaxy, I had me a revelation. Bowser isn't bad. He isn't. For years, I've been assisting some plumber on mushrooms in destroying his Koopa Empires, but I never really stopped and put myself in Bowser's shoes...or in this case, giant dino-claws.

In that light, I decided to delve into my brain and come up with 5 reasons why Bowser isn't so evil.


1. He's only trying to provide for his family

Before you condemn someone of wrong-doing, you really should look at their motivations. A man robbing a bank may be wrong, but what if he's got kids starving at home? Still wrong, but really, wouldn't you do the same thing?

But if you think about it, that's Bowser in a nutshell; just a single dad trying to give his kids a better chance at life than he had as a young turtle-dinosaur. That's why he keeps usurping the monarchy of the mushroom kingdom, he's got mouths to feed. And considering the average size of those mouths, I can't say I blame him.

 This one's already wearing a bib with another mouth on it.  Geez.

And notice this, he provides not just for his kids, but for his whole family. Uncles, cousins, if you got some Bowser blood in you, chances are Bowser's probably built you a castle to live in. Now thats taking care of your flock. And its always a new castle, too, not a hand-me down castle, a cheap, second-hand castle, NEW Motherfucking CASTLES.

Which brings up another important point...


2. He wants to improve the mushroom kingdom

What does Bowser do every time he takes over? He starts building shit. Tons and tons of shit.

Every Bowser reign is marked by massive ventures to improve the living conditions of the average mushroom. He's building green-pipe sewer lines, constructing roads (even ones made entirely out of rainbows); he even gave the Mushroom Kingdom teleportation technology.  On a related note, warping the whistle is also one of my favorite euphemisms for oral sex.

I

This one's not too bad either

Ever wonder why every Mario game is full of stacks of seemingly useless bricks just sitting or floating in mid-air? They're not obstacles, they're building supplies.  Mario is screwing around and making life hard for some poor Koopa superintendent (or Koopa-tendent, if you will).

Even those ungrateful, traitorous mushrooms are getting a piece of the Bowser stimulus package with their cute, government-sanctioned mushroom huts they seem to love living in. Notice how Mario can always get to those huts...you know why? Because some giant evil dinosaur built a path to it. Enjoy your frog-suit, you prick.

3. He is bringing the power to the people

This point requires a bit more brain, but still, its true. Think of what the Mushroom Kingdom is when Bowser isn't around.

It's an old-school monarchy inhabited by millions of midgets with funky hats. Its run by a King and Queen who are never seen, who instead have seemingly left all their power in the hands of their daughter, an airhead with the mental capacity of lawn furniture, who spends most of her days in a meadow with her plumber boyfriend, staring at clouds. And, on a side note, where exactly did Mario get his plumbing training? I want to see a ticket, dammit. I don't trust that face. (I think its the mustache).

So Bowser takes over, and then what. Notice that no mushroom people are ever killed or tortured when he comes in. Hold on, I'll let you picture Toad trapped in Guantanamo. Done? Good. Sure, when Bowser makes his entrance, he's usually firing cannons at them, but it's a coup, you can't exactly just knock on the door and ask for the keys. Basically, all he's doing is walking in, doing a bunch of improvements and giving his kids jobs. Which may seem a bit like blantant nepotism, but come on...he's replacing a MONARCHY!

4. He's a champion of diversity and anti-segregation

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Bowser is the turtle-monster equivalent of Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream...BWAAAAHAAAHAAA

But think of the diversity this guy brings to the table. First, he's got his own people, the Koopas (aka the turtles that are so evil, they walk back and forth between stationary objects, waiting for a fat guy to jump on them). Then the Goombas (the non-loved mushroom freaks), the Lakitu (the turtles with clouds), the Boos (the ghosts) and, most of all, the Shy Guys (the ones with hockey masks and a fear of talking to girls).

Pictured : Pure, unfiltered evil (Source : Toad)

Before the dinosaur came along, these beings (or as the racist mushroom people called them, “monsters”) weren't welcome in the kingdom. Fucking cold. Especially the Goombas, those are like your brothers, you mushroom fucks. No wonder they got behind Bowser.

And Bowser does what Bowser does; he invades, takes control of the head of government and lets his people into the promised land, where, for the most part, they just exist. Until, of course, the aforementioned fat guy gets in a stomping mood.

 Hey, that was my shoe. Give it back or … AHHH! He's going to crush me with my own shoe! Prick.

5. He's a renaissance man, with hobbies and intellectual pursuits

But beyond all the goodwill ventures he undertakes, lets look at what Bowser actually does. He invents things, invests in industry (especially those involving lava) and keeps (and presumably breeds) exotic pets and plants (and sometimes both...I'm looking at you, Pirahna Plant).

He's a freak of nature, but you really can't deny that he's a pretty smart one. Not only has he figured out the Power Stars, but also how to build flying fortresses, cities in the clouds, bring the dead back to life (even if all that is left are bones) and even created his own Galaxy...twice. Fuck.

And all this was presumably achieved without any formal education. There's no Dr. Bowser (though there is a Dr. Mario...another qualification I think the fat guy pulled out of his pixellated ass). If Bowser were real, he wouldn't be in prison, he'd be having philosophical debates on the creation of the universe with Stephen Hawking. And tell me you wouldn't transfer colleges just to take a physics courses taught by this...

If you turn to page 63 … BWAAAAHAAA … Excuse me. Term papers are due Friday.

In summary, Bowser, despite needing a serious shake-up in his public relation department, ain't such a bad guy. Remember that the next time you swing him around by the tail and throw him around onto his back, while his kids watch in absolute horror.


On the other hand, Wario is a fucking douche.

WA-WA-WARIO WIN!!!