Reverse Job Ad

Over the last few weeks/decades, I have been actively (well, partially. I've been doing a lot of sitting) job hunting. And like anyone who has ever found themselves scouring the internets for something other than pornography, I've been reading a large number of online job ads.

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For the eight of you that have read my previous post on job hunting on craigslist, you are well aware of my contempt of people that post them jobs, especially if the job they are posting is for someone to post job ads. But, after more research, I feel I must extend my gaze beyond the backyard online garagesale and consider all ads everywhere. Different sites, more professional sites, must give us all hope. Right?

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And as a natural response, I feel it only my duty as a comedian and/or charlatan to respond in kind and provide a voice for the other side. So I present to you: the Reverse Job Ad.

Wanted: Employer (multiple opportunities)

That's you!

About the employee:

And this is me

Our employee is a motivated, charming and occasionally prolific human being with full functionality of both his body parts and natural bodily functions. In the course of regular operation, the employee consumes nutrients through a semi-automated digestion system and possesses near-superhuman ability to detect when poop is coming and then relocating to the appropriate area of the building. The employee's brain is also an industry-leader in changing electrical impulses to physical actions and non-physical cognitive sensations.

Position Summary:

We are looking for an employer responsible for a business or organization with a minimum of 2-5 years experience in existing in an actual (and currently active) reality. In this role you will be responsible for providing a location for work, rules to abide by and stimulus adequate to keep the employee from sleeping and/or wishing for his life to end.

That feeling is best left to divorce or the cancellation of a truly original TV show

Major Duties & Responsibilities

-Do not allow/encourage employee to die (non-negotiable)

-Provide robots where cost-effective and appropriate. Robots provided should be up to date with current robot-standards: calculators and computers are appropriate, abacuses and Ouija boards are not

-Maintain understanding that employee is human at all times

-Provide other, similarly skilled humans for interaction and possible occasional lunch sharing purposes

-Provide other more skilled humans to direct stimulus for the employee. These human should have both greater responsibility and more monetary compensation, but maintain understanding that his/her shit still stinks

-Provide employee with paper representing monetary value in two week increments

-Direct employee with words that the employee is able to comprehend without consulting a big book with words in it

-Allow little humans belonging to others to be brought into the office as often as possible with the understanding that looking at it technically constitutes as employee “doing his job” 

 Some people consider kids annoying nuisances; I prefer to think of them as distractions that smell like candy

About You

Skills and Qualifications

-More money being made by the company than being spent by the company

-Extensive background in not being evil (volcano-lair builders are exempt)

-Promotion system based on merit and not physical prowess and/or breast-growing ability

-Committed to not being hit by a meteor by an angry God

-Does not refer to potential employees (whether employee or other human competition) as 'dynamic, flexible team players with strong communication and negotiation skills'

-Must have soul (and not the R&B version of soul, though that kind of soul would be an asset)

-Willing to provide employee with medical and retirements benefits equal to or exceeding those that would typically be provided to an eldery aunt's beloved pet

  This dog has significantly better dental than I have or will ever expect to get

Our employee offers a competitive package of confidence, intelligence and charisma and will gladly present himself in his best/cheapest suit for individualized interpretive (and sweaty) performance art. The employee also offers significant experience in being less incompetent than the last guy and is committed to wear pants whenever possible/convenient.

Call 1-800-PLEASE-FOR-THE-LOVE-GOD-HIRE-ME now!