Reverse Job Ad

Over the last few weeks/decades, I have been actively (well, partially. I've been doing a lot of sitting) job hunting. And like anyone who has ever found themselves scouring the internets for something other than pornography, I've been reading a large number of online job ads.

Picture completely unrelated

For the eight of you that have read my previous post on job hunting on craigslist, you are well aware of my contempt of people that post them jobs, especially if the job they are posting is for someone to post job ads. But, after more research, I feel I must extend my gaze beyond the backyard online garagesale and consider all ads everywhere. Different sites, more professional sites, must give us all hope. Right?

Picture also completely unrelated

And as a natural response, I feel it only my duty as a comedian and/or charlatan to respond in kind and provide a voice for the other side. So I present to you: the Reverse Job Ad.

Wanted: Employer (multiple opportunities)

That's you!

About the employee:

And this is me

Our employee is a motivated, charming and occasionally prolific human being with full functionality of both his body parts and natural bodily functions. In the course of regular operation, the employee consumes nutrients through a semi-automated digestion system and possesses near-superhuman ability to detect when poop is coming and then relocating to the appropriate area of the building. The employee's brain is also an industry-leader in changing electrical impulses to physical actions and non-physical cognitive sensations.

Position Summary:

We are looking for an employer responsible for a business or organization with a minimum of 2-5 years experience in existing in an actual (and currently active) reality. In this role you will be responsible for providing a location for work, rules to abide by and stimulus adequate to keep the employee from sleeping and/or wishing for his life to end.

That feeling is best left to divorce or the cancellation of a truly original TV show

Major Duties & Responsibilities

-Do not allow/encourage employee to die (non-negotiable)

-Provide robots where cost-effective and appropriate. Robots provided should be up to date with current robot-standards: calculators and computers are appropriate, abacuses and Ouija boards are not

-Maintain understanding that employee is human at all times

-Provide other, similarly skilled humans for interaction and possible occasional lunch sharing purposes

-Provide other more skilled humans to direct stimulus for the employee. These human should have both greater responsibility and more monetary compensation, but maintain understanding that his/her shit still stinks

-Provide employee with paper representing monetary value in two week increments

-Direct employee with words that the employee is able to comprehend without consulting a big book with words in it

-Allow little humans belonging to others to be brought into the office as often as possible with the understanding that looking at it technically constitutes as employee “doing his job” 

 Some people consider kids annoying nuisances; I prefer to think of them as distractions that smell like candy

About You

Skills and Qualifications

-More money being made by the company than being spent by the company

-Extensive background in not being evil (volcano-lair builders are exempt)

-Promotion system based on merit and not physical prowess and/or breast-growing ability

-Committed to not being hit by a meteor by an angry God

-Does not refer to potential employees (whether employee or other human competition) as 'dynamic, flexible team players with strong communication and negotiation skills'

-Must have soul (and not the R&B version of soul, though that kind of soul would be an asset)

-Willing to provide employee with medical and retirements benefits equal to or exceeding those that would typically be provided to an eldery aunt's beloved pet

  This dog has significantly better dental than I have or will ever expect to get

Our employee offers a competitive package of confidence, intelligence and charisma and will gladly present himself in his best/cheapest suit for individualized interpretive (and sweaty) performance art. The employee also offers significant experience in being less incompetent than the last guy and is committed to wear pants whenever possible/convenient.

Call 1-800-PLEASE-FOR-THE-LOVE-GOD-HIRE-ME now!

Why Bowser from Super Mario isn't really a Villain

So, I've been playing a significant amount of my room-mates' Wii the past few days and, after finishing the original Super Mario Galaxy, I had me a revelation. Bowser isn't bad. He isn't. For years, I've been assisting some plumber on mushrooms in destroying his Koopa Empires, but I never really stopped and put myself in Bowser's shoes...or in this case, giant dino-claws.

In that light, I decided to delve into my brain and come up with 5 reasons why Bowser isn't so evil.


1. He's only trying to provide for his family

Before you condemn someone of wrong-doing, you really should look at their motivations. A man robbing a bank may be wrong, but what if he's got kids starving at home? Still wrong, but really, wouldn't you do the same thing?

But if you think about it, that's Bowser in a nutshell; just a single dad trying to give his kids a better chance at life than he had as a young turtle-dinosaur. That's why he keeps usurping the monarchy of the mushroom kingdom, he's got mouths to feed. And considering the average size of those mouths, I can't say I blame him.

 This one's already wearing a bib with another mouth on it.  Geez.

And notice this, he provides not just for his kids, but for his whole family. Uncles, cousins, if you got some Bowser blood in you, chances are Bowser's probably built you a castle to live in. Now thats taking care of your flock. And its always a new castle, too, not a hand-me down castle, a cheap, second-hand castle, NEW Motherfucking CASTLES.

Which brings up another important point...


2. He wants to improve the mushroom kingdom

What does Bowser do every time he takes over? He starts building shit. Tons and tons of shit.

Every Bowser reign is marked by massive ventures to improve the living conditions of the average mushroom. He's building green-pipe sewer lines, constructing roads (even ones made entirely out of rainbows); he even gave the Mushroom Kingdom teleportation technology.  On a related note, warping the whistle is also one of my favorite euphemisms for oral sex.

I

This one's not too bad either

Ever wonder why every Mario game is full of stacks of seemingly useless bricks just sitting or floating in mid-air? They're not obstacles, they're building supplies.  Mario is screwing around and making life hard for some poor Koopa superintendent (or Koopa-tendent, if you will).

Even those ungrateful, traitorous mushrooms are getting a piece of the Bowser stimulus package with their cute, government-sanctioned mushroom huts they seem to love living in. Notice how Mario can always get to those huts...you know why? Because some giant evil dinosaur built a path to it. Enjoy your frog-suit, you prick.

3. He is bringing the power to the people

This point requires a bit more brain, but still, its true. Think of what the Mushroom Kingdom is when Bowser isn't around.

It's an old-school monarchy inhabited by millions of midgets with funky hats. Its run by a King and Queen who are never seen, who instead have seemingly left all their power in the hands of their daughter, an airhead with the mental capacity of lawn furniture, who spends most of her days in a meadow with her plumber boyfriend, staring at clouds. And, on a side note, where exactly did Mario get his plumbing training? I want to see a ticket, dammit. I don't trust that face. (I think its the mustache).

So Bowser takes over, and then what. Notice that no mushroom people are ever killed or tortured when he comes in. Hold on, I'll let you picture Toad trapped in Guantanamo. Done? Good. Sure, when Bowser makes his entrance, he's usually firing cannons at them, but it's a coup, you can't exactly just knock on the door and ask for the keys. Basically, all he's doing is walking in, doing a bunch of improvements and giving his kids jobs. Which may seem a bit like blantant nepotism, but come on...he's replacing a MONARCHY!

4. He's a champion of diversity and anti-segregation

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying Bowser is the turtle-monster equivalent of Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream...BWAAAAHAAAHAAA

But think of the diversity this guy brings to the table. First, he's got his own people, the Koopas (aka the turtles that are so evil, they walk back and forth between stationary objects, waiting for a fat guy to jump on them). Then the Goombas (the non-loved mushroom freaks), the Lakitu (the turtles with clouds), the Boos (the ghosts) and, most of all, the Shy Guys (the ones with hockey masks and a fear of talking to girls).

Pictured : Pure, unfiltered evil (Source : Toad)

Before the dinosaur came along, these beings (or as the racist mushroom people called them, “monsters”) weren't welcome in the kingdom. Fucking cold. Especially the Goombas, those are like your brothers, you mushroom fucks. No wonder they got behind Bowser.

And Bowser does what Bowser does; he invades, takes control of the head of government and lets his people into the promised land, where, for the most part, they just exist. Until, of course, the aforementioned fat guy gets in a stomping mood.

 Hey, that was my shoe. Give it back or … AHHH! He's going to crush me with my own shoe! Prick.

5. He's a renaissance man, with hobbies and intellectual pursuits

But beyond all the goodwill ventures he undertakes, lets look at what Bowser actually does. He invents things, invests in industry (especially those involving lava) and keeps (and presumably breeds) exotic pets and plants (and sometimes both...I'm looking at you, Pirahna Plant).

He's a freak of nature, but you really can't deny that he's a pretty smart one. Not only has he figured out the Power Stars, but also how to build flying fortresses, cities in the clouds, bring the dead back to life (even if all that is left are bones) and even created his own Galaxy...twice. Fuck.

And all this was presumably achieved without any formal education. There's no Dr. Bowser (though there is a Dr. Mario...another qualification I think the fat guy pulled out of his pixellated ass). If Bowser were real, he wouldn't be in prison, he'd be having philosophical debates on the creation of the universe with Stephen Hawking. And tell me you wouldn't transfer colleges just to take a physics courses taught by this...

If you turn to page 63 … BWAAAAHAAA … Excuse me. Term papers are due Friday.

In summary, Bowser, despite needing a serious shake-up in his public relation department, ain't such a bad guy. Remember that the next time you swing him around by the tail and throw him around onto his back, while his kids watch in absolute horror.


On the other hand, Wario is a fucking douche.

WA-WA-WARIO WIN!!!