Reverse Job Ad

Over the last few weeks/decades, I have been actively (well, partially. I've been doing a lot of sitting) job hunting. And like anyone who has ever found themselves scouring the internets for something other than pornography, I've been reading a large number of online job ads.

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For the eight of you that have read my previous post on job hunting on craigslist, you are well aware of my contempt of people that post them jobs, especially if the job they are posting is for someone to post job ads. But, after more research, I feel I must extend my gaze beyond the backyard online garagesale and consider all ads everywhere. Different sites, more professional sites, must give us all hope. Right?

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And as a natural response, I feel it only my duty as a comedian and/or charlatan to respond in kind and provide a voice for the other side. So I present to you: the Reverse Job Ad.

Wanted: Employer (multiple opportunities)

That's you!

About the employee:

And this is me

Our employee is a motivated, charming and occasionally prolific human being with full functionality of both his body parts and natural bodily functions. In the course of regular operation, the employee consumes nutrients through a semi-automated digestion system and possesses near-superhuman ability to detect when poop is coming and then relocating to the appropriate area of the building. The employee's brain is also an industry-leader in changing electrical impulses to physical actions and non-physical cognitive sensations.

Position Summary:

We are looking for an employer responsible for a business or organization with a minimum of 2-5 years experience in existing in an actual (and currently active) reality. In this role you will be responsible for providing a location for work, rules to abide by and stimulus adequate to keep the employee from sleeping and/or wishing for his life to end.

That feeling is best left to divorce or the cancellation of a truly original TV show

Major Duties & Responsibilities

-Do not allow/encourage employee to die (non-negotiable)

-Provide robots where cost-effective and appropriate. Robots provided should be up to date with current robot-standards: calculators and computers are appropriate, abacuses and Ouija boards are not

-Maintain understanding that employee is human at all times

-Provide other, similarly skilled humans for interaction and possible occasional lunch sharing purposes

-Provide other more skilled humans to direct stimulus for the employee. These human should have both greater responsibility and more monetary compensation, but maintain understanding that his/her shit still stinks

-Provide employee with paper representing monetary value in two week increments

-Direct employee with words that the employee is able to comprehend without consulting a big book with words in it

-Allow little humans belonging to others to be brought into the office as often as possible with the understanding that looking at it technically constitutes as employee “doing his job” 

 Some people consider kids annoying nuisances; I prefer to think of them as distractions that smell like candy

About You

Skills and Qualifications

-More money being made by the company than being spent by the company

-Extensive background in not being evil (volcano-lair builders are exempt)

-Promotion system based on merit and not physical prowess and/or breast-growing ability

-Committed to not being hit by a meteor by an angry God

-Does not refer to potential employees (whether employee or other human competition) as 'dynamic, flexible team players with strong communication and negotiation skills'

-Must have soul (and not the R&B version of soul, though that kind of soul would be an asset)

-Willing to provide employee with medical and retirements benefits equal to or exceeding those that would typically be provided to an eldery aunt's beloved pet

  This dog has significantly better dental than I have or will ever expect to get

Our employee offers a competitive package of confidence, intelligence and charisma and will gladly present himself in his best/cheapest suit for individualized interpretive (and sweaty) performance art. The employee also offers significant experience in being less incompetent than the last guy and is committed to wear pants whenever possible/convenient.

Call 1-800-PLEASE-FOR-THE-LOVE-GOD-HIRE-ME now!

How To : Write a Craigslist Job Ad

Often, I am asked, “Hey, Francis, I'm in charge of hiring for a large, possibly international company and we've been putting up ads on the local craigslist. The shitty part is, people seem to want to apply for them. Lots of people, 100's even 1000's. So Francis, as you seem to know things, what should I do?”

This is all too common, unfortunately. Most experts seem to suggest that this is due to some kind of correlation between people wanting work and people not having it. As for me, being more qualified due to the fact I am writing this and they are not, I suggest it to be a different problem. Your troubles of having to do too much work boils down to how you are not using Craigslist effectively.

Take this ad for example,

A small but growing architecture company is seeking a project assistant to help expand our capabilities in our local Vancouver office. Position requires strong organizational skills and well-developed aptitude in group problem solving. Bachelor's degree or technical school training in a related discipline would be beneficial, as would previous project assistant experience. Please forward your resume and cover letter in confidence to Mary Jenkins, HR Manager at mjenkins@hetherarchitecture.ca

Now look at this ad subjectively. Its short, to the point, gives a basic idea of the job requirements and allows the viewer to make an educated decision as to whether or not they want the job. In craigslist terms, however, this ad can be summarized into one word; wrong.

First things first, length. This is far too short. One may think that since craigslist is technically taking over from the newpaper want-ads, which were even shorter, short would be good, but again, you would be wrong.

 On craigslist, this ad would be listed under men seeking men

All craigslist job postings should top the 1000 word mark, at least. Think less pamphlet, more biblical text. You want to make sure the viewer is thoroughly intimidated by the amount of multi-syllabic words you can cram into a paragraph without actually saying anything. Make bullet points, then put bullet points within the bullet points. Remember more is more and therefore better.

Secondly, what this ad is asking for is far too understanding and reasonable. Hey, your company wants to be the boss, right? No sense in acting timid, come right out and say it “We need you so much less than you need us.”

 Sometimes I can't help it. I'm just too fucking good at being real.

A good way in doing that is to demand that all applicants meet some arbitrary experience requirement. For instance, all craigslist job ads, as a matter of uniformity, should include the phrase “At least X years experience, with at least (X-2) years direct experience in (precisely what the job is)” The bigger the X, the better the applicants you will get. Its fairly common knowledge that most 25-year professionals routinely scan craigslist for job leads. I mean, where else would they look?

Hello, is this the internet? Fuck. You wouldn't happen to know it's number, would you?

It's also important to use your caps-lock as often and as indiscriminately as possible. Don't let those petty would-be employees think that they will be considered based on merit on not just a number. Be a man about it. Tell them they MUST have decades of experience with some weird management program that even Bill Gates wouldn't know about.

Capitalize everything: make it seem like you, the employer, are yelling at them for not being good enough. For example, “Only candidates with AT LEAST seven years experience working BAREFOOT in the fields a Southern GUATEMALAN coffee farm will be considered.” is a perfect way of letting it be known that your particular Starbucks franchise doesn't fuck around.

The compensation line is also a great way to show the viewers who's really in control. Its of paramount importance to be as vague as possible. “Competitive” gives absolutely no indication whatsoever of the pay scale and is a perfect way to keep them in the dark. It can mean so many things; it could mean the you expect to pay above the industry standard according to national job surveys. It could also mean that you expect that their wage to be directly related to the ability to best other candidates in mandatory nude-limbo contests. After all, competition is competition and words are words.

Here are a few other good ones: “Based on experience,” “Negotiable” or my personal favourite, “Hourly.”

It's a good thing you mentioned I'd be paid hourly because, at this moment, I feel like a prostitute

While we are still on the subject of compensation, don't fall into the trap that is expecting your would-be applicants to have common sense. If you absolutely MUST include a wage (see what I did there, that's a callback), make sure you write the minimum. Not the minimum number of words, write the minimum wage. Remind them, despite the 3 years experiences carrying curry-based dishes with their LEFT hand and a Masters degree in Indian Culinary History the job requires, how much, at the end of day, they are actually worth to you.

Finally, the email address. Don't be stupid enough to give the official company address, with both your title and name. That would mean the would-be applicant would be actually able to do some background research and know where it is they're sending their confidential work history. Where's the trust? Craigslist is full of scams, but these whiny pussies should know instinctively that you're the real deal. I mean, just look at all the big words! The randomly-generated craigslist email address is really all they need, and honestly, they should be thankful to get it.

Well, now that you have a better understanding of how craigslist job ads work, you can get started at finding that perfect person. At the very least, those thousands of potentially qualified people will stop pestering you and you can go back to doing what you do best, being happy you already have a job.

Fucking. Sweet.