Olympics

Well, its the 1st of February 2010 and here in Vancouver, the Olympics are nearly upon us. This means that within a matter of days, the world will be coming to Vancouver to watch Olympic athletes live and the people of Vancouver will be watching those same Olympic athletes on a 14 inch black and white TV on a milk crate sitting in the middle of a 1400 dollar-a-month bachelor suite while eating a 6 week supply of Ramen noodles.

Ah, the thrill of sport.

A few months ago, VANOC (Vancouver Olympic Committee) got together with Vancouver city council and passed a bylaw on advertising that will go into effect for the duration of the Games. The bylaw states that within a 40-block radius in downtown Vancouver, all advertising, including those appearing on t-shirts and newspaper, will have to be approved by VANOC. For example, a t-shirt that reads “Free Tibet” would not be allowed because the it is advertising a cause not officially supported by VANOC.

Now, when this first came up, many called this bylaw unconstitutional and an act against the right to free speech. I don't, I think its great. The second the bylaw comes into effect, I'll be walking the streets wearing a t-shirt with the phrase “FRANCIS BRIAN SHAW HAS A GIANT COCK” on it.

Why would I want to do that, you may ask. Because that's something I want read back to me in a court of law. Repeatedly.

My poor lawyer will be standing there. “Your honour, my client requests that the court reporter repeat that last line again.” (whisper, whisper, whisper) “And he requests that, this time, she takes off her glasses and say it in a “sultry” voice.”

Remember when VANOC sent representatives to Beijing for the 2008 games and they came back saying they “learned a lot from the Chinese”? Yeah, this isn't what I thought they meant.

Even the official Canadian clothing manufacturer, Hudson Bay Company is buying into the stupidity. I saw a poster the other day that had a guy in a sweater with CANADA across the chest. Underneath, it said, “We were made for this.”

Now I'm no Canadian history buff, but I'm pretty sure we weren't. I doubt the British signed the British North America Act and went, “Ok, Canada, you're a country. You have 143 years starting....NOW.”

If they wanted to use that slogan, they should have asked the native peoples and put it with the advertising that warns people about potential pickpockets.

WATCH OUT FOR CANADIAN THEIVES...WE WERE MADE FOR THIS.

HBC is also having big problems with competitors, such as Roots and Lululemon, who HBC says are violating their exclusive contract with the Canadian Olympic Team by making clothing similar to the official HBC clothing.

A little tip for next time: if you don't want other companies ripping off your trademark, make it a little more complicated than the word CANADA on a red background. Maybe a funkier font; its fucking bold Tahoma with the caps-lock on.

And maybe, try making the clothing a bit more athletic-looking and a bit less like that one retarded kid whose mother sewed his name onto each piece of clothing in big block letters so “he wouldn't lose it.”

Speaking of symbols, VANOC takes the cake with their chosen symbol, the Inukshuk which is apparently what the Inuit hunters used to mark what direction they were heading. That is until the bastard Europeans came along and showed them the signpost with a fucking arrow on it, which, at the time, must have blown their minds.

Nevertheless, Vancouver Olympic Committee made an Inuit symbol their official trademark. As someone who lives in Vancouver, I just have one question:

Of all the ethnicities to exploit, why did they pick the one ethnicity Vancouver doesn't have?

They literally could have picked any other symbol from any other culture, and it would have made more sense than the inukshuk. They could have had a picture of Zeus dropkicking Thor on top of a pint of Guinness and you would've had more people nodding in agreement, going “Well, at least VANOC didn't forget about my culture.”

And if they had Zeus eating Chow Mein and Thor wielding a Kirpan, they would've pleased the majority.

Ah, screw it. I can't be grumpy. These next 6 weeks are going to be something I'm never going to forget. Yes, all bitching aside, I'll be telling my grandkids about this time in my life with a combination of pride and accomplishment.

Which reminds me, I got to go. My AMTRAK train to Portland is leaving in an hour. See you fuckers in March.

FBS

Vancouver's Amateur Comedy Scene

In a tragic case of breaking rules I just made for myself yesterday, I wanted to say something in the traditional blogging sense.

While I wasn't there (I was busy speaking into the smoky darkness at another comedy room at the time) based on every account I've heard, the LOL @ the Cellar charity benefit last Thursday was a rousing success. I just want to say congrats to the two brains behind the show, Andy Kallstrom and Donovan Patrick Mahoney.

While browsing through the facebook pictures of said event (which you can find here), I came upon a realization; Vancouver's amateur scene is pretty damn stocked right now.

After nearly 5 months of hauling my ass around to the different open mics and Pro/Am shows in this city, I'm amazed at how far a lot of us have come. Even just speaking of the 10-12 comics who started this summer (including the aforementioned Donovan and Andy), seeing the progression of both the individuals and the group has given me a real boost of confidence regarding my own development as a stand-up.

It seems to me that, while we may all still have extensive periods of intense stage-suckage, we also are kicking ass in greater frequency and amplitude than expected. In other words, for a bunch of rookies, we seem to be better comics and having more great shows than we should be.

Pardon me while I pat myself on the back. If you're part of the scene, feel free to do so too. I'll wait.

What's also amazing to me is how well we all seem to mesh. While there's some amount of the personality conflicts and back-stabbing that goes on within any amateur scene, we all seem to get along (though, I, for one, still maintain that Ross Dauk is far too handsome to be a comic; get off the stage, dreamboat and leave it for us Fug-ohs, dammit).

Anyways, my point is this; I'm honestly proud to be part of this scene right now. I also wouldn't be surprised if, 10 years from now, I'm going to be telling people "You know that guy/girl, (insert name here)? The one on TV, the one with that special? Yeah, I knew him/her in week 5. And man, did he/she SUUUUUUCK!"

Keep it up everyone, and if you are not a local comic reading this, go to any comedy show and look for the amateurs (we're easy to find, we're usually the ones begging the Host for more stage time). Better see them now before success hits and the same people become giant assholes.

Also, I hope Ross knows I was joking before. I think you are plenty unattractive to be a comic. I (heart) you, buddy.

Francis Brian Shaw

Thought for the day:
I realized last week three things: my father owns a trailer, my mother lives next to a swamp and favorite uncle just got parole. Apparently, my white trash credentials are in fine order. (Seriously guys, NOT joking)