Olympics

Well, its the 1st of February 2010 and here in Vancouver, the Olympics are nearly upon us. This means that within a matter of days, the world will be coming to Vancouver to watch Olympic athletes live and the people of Vancouver will be watching those same Olympic athletes on a 14 inch black and white TV on a milk crate sitting in the middle of a 1400 dollar-a-month bachelor suite while eating a 6 week supply of Ramen noodles.

Ah, the thrill of sport.

A few months ago, VANOC (Vancouver Olympic Committee) got together with Vancouver city council and passed a bylaw on advertising that will go into effect for the duration of the Games. The bylaw states that within a 40-block radius in downtown Vancouver, all advertising, including those appearing on t-shirts and newspaper, will have to be approved by VANOC. For example, a t-shirt that reads “Free Tibet” would not be allowed because the it is advertising a cause not officially supported by VANOC.

Now, when this first came up, many called this bylaw unconstitutional and an act against the right to free speech. I don't, I think its great. The second the bylaw comes into effect, I'll be walking the streets wearing a t-shirt with the phrase “FRANCIS BRIAN SHAW HAS A GIANT COCK” on it.

Why would I want to do that, you may ask. Because that's something I want read back to me in a court of law. Repeatedly.

My poor lawyer will be standing there. “Your honour, my client requests that the court reporter repeat that last line again.” (whisper, whisper, whisper) “And he requests that, this time, she takes off her glasses and say it in a “sultry” voice.”

Remember when VANOC sent representatives to Beijing for the 2008 games and they came back saying they “learned a lot from the Chinese”? Yeah, this isn't what I thought they meant.

Even the official Canadian clothing manufacturer, Hudson Bay Company is buying into the stupidity. I saw a poster the other day that had a guy in a sweater with CANADA across the chest. Underneath, it said, “We were made for this.”

Now I'm no Canadian history buff, but I'm pretty sure we weren't. I doubt the British signed the British North America Act and went, “Ok, Canada, you're a country. You have 143 years starting....NOW.”

If they wanted to use that slogan, they should have asked the native peoples and put it with the advertising that warns people about potential pickpockets.

WATCH OUT FOR CANADIAN THEIVES...WE WERE MADE FOR THIS.

HBC is also having big problems with competitors, such as Roots and Lululemon, who HBC says are violating their exclusive contract with the Canadian Olympic Team by making clothing similar to the official HBC clothing.

A little tip for next time: if you don't want other companies ripping off your trademark, make it a little more complicated than the word CANADA on a red background. Maybe a funkier font; its fucking bold Tahoma with the caps-lock on.

And maybe, try making the clothing a bit more athletic-looking and a bit less like that one retarded kid whose mother sewed his name onto each piece of clothing in big block letters so “he wouldn't lose it.”

Speaking of symbols, VANOC takes the cake with their chosen symbol, the Inukshuk which is apparently what the Inuit hunters used to mark what direction they were heading. That is until the bastard Europeans came along and showed them the signpost with a fucking arrow on it, which, at the time, must have blown their minds.

Nevertheless, Vancouver Olympic Committee made an Inuit symbol their official trademark. As someone who lives in Vancouver, I just have one question:

Of all the ethnicities to exploit, why did they pick the one ethnicity Vancouver doesn't have?

They literally could have picked any other symbol from any other culture, and it would have made more sense than the inukshuk. They could have had a picture of Zeus dropkicking Thor on top of a pint of Guinness and you would've had more people nodding in agreement, going “Well, at least VANOC didn't forget about my culture.”

And if they had Zeus eating Chow Mein and Thor wielding a Kirpan, they would've pleased the majority.

Ah, screw it. I can't be grumpy. These next 6 weeks are going to be something I'm never going to forget. Yes, all bitching aside, I'll be telling my grandkids about this time in my life with a combination of pride and accomplishment.

Which reminds me, I got to go. My AMTRAK train to Portland is leaving in an hour. See you fuckers in March.

FBS

Walking around a drug-store

I was walking around a drugstore the other day. I was feeling a bit under the weather and I was looking for some Nyquil, which as we all know, is the sick person equivalent of the recovering heroin addict giving up on sobriety and going off in search of smack.

Like most sick people, I was not in the mood to ask anybody where to look, so I went aisle to aisle, reading the little placards that hang above the aisles. There was an aisle with only two items on the placard. It read, “Family Planning” followed by, underneath, “Laxatives.”

I couldn't help but wonder to myself if anyone, in a time of panic, had used the items from the second group for the items in first group's purpose. Disgusting, but I'm fairly sure it would work.

On the end of one aisle, I saw a new product released just in time for the holidays from the Duraflame log people. Duraflame, now with Coffee-Flavouring. Who is this product for? I guess its for people who enjoy the relaxing experience of sitting beside a roaring fire with a cup of coffee, but hate actually drinking coffee.

Finally getting to the Nyquil aisle, I now had to make the difficult decision of no-name brand or actual Nyquil. Strange thoughts always seem to pass through my head during these decisions.

“I wonder how the no-name people cracked the Nyquil formula?”

“How long did it take them? Months, years?”

“If I got the no-name brand and it didn't work, would I be man enough to return it and admit to the cashier that I'm a cheap bastard?”

“Why is the no-name brand $15 for 270 mL and actual NyQuil $17 for 260? I wonder how much it cost for 270mL of heroin? It may not help me get better, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't care about my cold symptoms and at the same time, maybe I could save some money.”

Also, I had to decide between Dayquil or Nyquil. Really, both make you really high and unable to do anything, so I guess it basically boils down to what colour you want your tongue to be, green or yellow.

I wonder what happens if you mix Dayquil and Nyquil. Is it like the red/blue gum in Mission Impossible, you mix the two and they explode? If so, I think the drugstore needs better security to guard against the terrorists. The small Pakistani women wearing the neon yellow vest doesn't seem like she could take down a terrorist cell by herself.

I got the real green Nyquil, just in case some friends came by and perused my medicine chest. This way, I figured they wouldn't judge me.

On the way out of the drugstore, I passed the feminine hygiene aisle. There was one of those warehouse packs of tampons with a giant tear in one of the corners where someone had evidently broken in and stolen 5 or 6 tampons.

I hope they never caught the shoplifter on this one. The Pakistani women seems nice and something tells me the person who stole those tampons was not in a docile mood.

Some things just aren't worth the 8 bucks an hour.

Francis Brian Shaw